I want to have your abortion
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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