I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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