Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
