I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
