Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
