Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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