I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she told me i tasted like america
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
