Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
