even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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