i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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