I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
