The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
