I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
