he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
