Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
