hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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