where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
