I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I had to cum in my sink.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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