this beer tastes like vomit already
Four minutes until I can fart!
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
