I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
