How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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