We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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