So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
