i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
