I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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