dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
