my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
