we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
