God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
