So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
