If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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