I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
i've created a new STD.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
