then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Someone signed my nipple.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
