I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
