before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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