Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
