mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
