The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
