somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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