Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
