i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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