ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
