i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
