Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Someone shit on the floor
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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