Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
