I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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