forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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