my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
