i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
