I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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