I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry š¬
Iām gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a ābrilliantā idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
